Tomorrow marks two weeks since we learned we had been chosen to adopt. The time since we heard those blessed words has been marked with enormous excitement tinged with guarded enthusiasm. As with any adoption, there is always the possibility that the expectant mother may decide she wants to parent after all, after giving birth to the baby. Although we have been told she is very committed to her adoption plan, I still have reserved a big ol’ chunk of my heart just in case. I will let it out of heart jail after she has made her decision and signed the papers. The old me would have been shouting the news from the rooftops and moving forward emotionally sans hesitation, but experience has taught me to proceed with caution. I wish that wasn’t the way it was, but it is only temporary. Once I am free to rejoice, I plan to do so unabashedly!
We get to meet the expectant parents this week! I am looking forward to the moment I get to meet them, but I am petrified with fear as well. It will definitely be something to see this brave woman pregnant with the baby we have prayed for since we started infertility journey part deux. Back then I could not have imagined that my first encounter with my future child would take place just a few short weeks before they were due to enter the world, growing comfortably in another woman’s body. I would not ever have considered that a negative, I just don’t think I would have thought of it at all. The fact that this is where we have circled around to now feels very natural and exactly the way it was meant to be.
Nonetheless, when you ask me if I’m excited, don’t do a double take and grimace when I hesitate before finally saying, “I think so.” I realize that is a strange answer, but on the other hand, it’s an honest answer, and I am nothing if not honest.
I’m grateful to the people who have taken the time to read my thoughts; it makes me feel more connected to those who suffer in silence as I do, in some strange meta cognitive way. 🙂
I took a couple weeks off from writing because with the summer coming to an end I really wanted to finish up a few outdoor projects. Truthfully, I’ve been making my backyard a fully fenced, 100% childproof wonderland. Like most of us who have spent everything they have and more trying to conceive, my family is on a budget. My gifts may be few, but I’m resourceful and I know how to do a lot with a little! So I looted my grandfather’s barn and scored a whole lot of free lumber. It was old, dirty, and not cut squarely, but sometimes a day spent measuring and cutting can be just the therapy I need. Then the next day I spent clutching my pink yet powerful “grip for ladies” hammer and pounding that lumber into a fence. Speaking only for myself, when hopeless and fear about infertility creep in to my otherwise happy life, there is no better cure than to go out and build something!
Why the on-a-shoestring budget backyard wonderland? In my mind’s eye, the place where intuition and optimism collide with varying realistic results, I see myself with a big ol’ baby belly and very little enthusiasm for being the non-stop entertainment source for my will-be 3.5 year old son. Essentially, what we have here is a case of me working my tushy off now so that I can be lazy next summer. If I really am baking a baby or two by the time June rolls around, then lazy I shall be!
What do you do to relieve the overwhelming emotions that sneak up on you when you’re going through treatment? I can’t wait to hear what other mamas who are looking to “borrow genes” do to keep the yucky feelings away. Together we can help each other, and after all, that is the goal of this blog.