Tag Archives: adoption

A Fun Lesson About Choosing Your Adoption Agency Wisely

Posted in The Adoption Waiting Game by

Many of you heard we had a not-so-fun meeting with our adoption agency last week. I waited to write about it until the emotions had cooled off and I could approach the whole thing from a somewhat grownup perspective. 

It lasted two hours.  The meeting objective was for the hubs and I to sit there while the agency director and adoption coordinator told us every reason they couldn’t stand working with us. The agency is very loosy-goosy and not worried about customer service.  They admittedly focus their energy and attentions exclusively on the birth parents, and any communication, or request for communication, from the adoptive parents is perceived by the agency as taking away time from the birth parents. The hubs and I, for our part, feel that since we and other adoptive parents are the ones funding their company, that we are entitled to a reasonable amount of communication, which we aren’t receiving. 

Another reason I held off writing this post is I didn’t want it to be all about demonizing the adoption agency. The truth is, the owner isn’t a horrible person. She’s just not a business-minded person, and she runs the agency like a family, if the family values are that it’s okay to be flaky sometimes and everyone should just chill out, man. She’s the type of person who gets her feelings hurt extremely easily, and holds on to it for all it is worth. We learned at the meeting that a couple emails I wrote back in January and February “hurt her feelings.”  (Not because I said anything mean, but because she thinks we don’t trust them. Spoiler alert: We don’t.) Not to be super calloused here, but the adoption agency owner’s feelings are not high at the top of my priority list. Of course I’m not trying to upset people, but I would say that was going to be unavoidable in this case. She’s what I call a “peach person.” We all know them–the person you have to speak ever so carefully around, even more so regarding sarcasm, for fear they will become easily bruised and offended.  It’s exhausting to be in the company of peach people, and it is just my luck I chose an agency owned by one.

The adoption coordinator. Another delicate flower with thin skin. We learned after signing on (paying lots of money) with this agency that our coordinator, the only domestic coordinator, was in her mid-20s. This is her first job out of college. She also placed her baby for adoption about two years ago. I will begin by saying, this is not a job for someone with little work/life experience. It requires someone that understands and respects the complex and emotionally draining road that infertile couples have traveled just to reach the adoption office, to say nothing of the trials after getting there. I think that’s well out of the reach of most 24 year olds. It certainly would have been for me at that age. The fact she herself is a birthmother only serves to drive home the point: that is the group she can relate to. It’s who she wants to talk to. It’s who she wants to help. And heaven knows birth mothers need a kind, compassionate resource they can rely on during an adoption. I suspect she does an excellent job of that. Unfortunately for the hubs and I, she’s an abysmal resource for adoptive parents and she doesn’t hide her resentment very well.  And, she’s it!  There is NO ONE ELSE. What do you do when there is no one to advocate for you?

You advocate for yourself. And this is something both the hubs and I do well. In order to do this, our adoption agency needs to communicate with us. It was our reasonable requests for that communication that got us called up to the world’s most inconvenient meeting to be scolded like small children for two hours, for the heinous crime of being proactive. 

Their goal: to continue to work with us if we would stop bothering them. Trust them to do their job. Stop contacting them. The trouble is, we don’t trust them to do their job. I, Nancy Drew, was the one who discovered the first adoption match was a fraud. ME. By doing a five second Google search. During the meeting, we learned that they consider Googling an expectant mother’s name an invasion of privacy and they don’t do it. I asked them if they regretted having that particular policy in place after spending untold amounts of money on the adoption fraud couple. The adoption coordinator looked thoughtful. The agency owner looked proud. “No, I don’t,” she said. “I won’t ask our birth mothers to sign a release for the Google. It just scares people away if they think you don’t trust them. We still work with couples we suspect of fraud, anyway. In fact, we are still working with the couple you found out about. Because you never know, they may change their mind after all and place after the baby is born. And our focus is on that baby, all the way through the birth.”  I think this was supposed to sound altruistic, but the truth is there is no shortage of agencies that would gladly find a placement for an infant, and collect the hefty finder’s fee in the process. Might I add, if someone admits to scamming you, good business sense would dictate you run far, and you run fast. Or, if you’re this agency, keep working with the couple that admitted they want all their expenses paid, please and thank you, even though they never had any intention of considering adoption. 

As you might expect, it was not reassuring to hear that our agency is still working with the couple that have actually admitted to the fraudulent behavior. The hubs and I were badly betrayed by the couple, but the agency is still working with them?  Is it okay that we find that a bit strange? We also learned that adoption fraud is quite common in our agency due to the adamant refusal of “the Google” and that it is something to be expected during an adoption journey with the Adoption Agency. 

  
Did I mention I almost vaulted out of my seat when she mentioned “the Google?”  A business owner, in the year 2015, believes she needs a signed consent form to Google a person’s name. I don’t even know where to begin describing how disturbed I am that this is someone’s reality, and now I’m an unwilling part of it. 

Near the end of the meeting, when it became clear that the hubs and I did not find our communication requests unreasonable, and when they could hide their utter disdain for us no longer, we reached an impasse. The owner badly wanted us to quit. She wanted it bad. She kept leading us to it and then trailing off…it reminded me of two high school kids trying to break up, but the instigator won’t pull the trigger. It was strange, and fit right nicely in with the overall theme of the meeting. 

According to their contract, they can fire us as clients at their leisure.  She didn’t do that, either. I suspect it’s because that would look pretty bad for the agency. After all, who wants to sign on with an agency that has a reputation for firing their clients after they have paid a good chunk of money up front? Probably no one. And that’s when I realized they are basically stuck with us, regardless of their desire to fire us. 

As of this moment, I assume we are still represented by this agency. We haven’t heard anything to the contrary since our meeting that accomplished nothing. 

My hope is that other people may learn from this and have a better adoption experience than we have had. The process is hard enough by itself, and deeply emotional under the best of circumstances. Hire an agency that has a support person for the expectant mother, but also has a separate support system for the adoptive parents. You want your agency to work for you, not actively against you. Not all agencies are created equal, so make sure to do your research with a list of what is important to you within reach. Consider this a cautionary tale. 

Déjà Vu All Over Again

Posted in The Adoption Waiting Game by

Last week, within an hour of learning that our first adoption situation was faux, I was independently contacted by an acquaintance from my adoption support group. Her daughter had decided to place her baby in an open adoption, and could I send her our portfolio to review? They were having lunch so it would be best to have in the next hour or so.

I would have moved freaking boulders with my bare hands  to make that happen. I bustled around my office at the speed of light, scrambling to scan each page of our adoption book into pdf files that could be emailed. The scanning app stalled, the printer kept malfunctioning. As I scanned, I practiced deep breathing techniques to stop freaking out, since I was convinced my printer’s ineptitude had doomed us to failure. I was near tears thinking I was going to miss our window of opportunity. When I got it done and realized the file was too large to email, I completely blanked on how to use Dropbox, the world’s easiest app,  in my frenzy; I sent an SOS to the hubs, and he came through from work, compressing the files and getting them sent. Go hubs! Cue the huge sigh of relief, crisis averted.

It absolutely MUST be noted that from being notified that the first adoption situation was a fraud, to the second adoption being initiated,  a mere 47 minutes had passed. The only way this neon sign from God could have been made clearer is if He had used sky-writing to spell it out over our house.

Within an hour of emailing the pdf adoption book, I received the message that her daughter loved our profile, and saying it reminded her of her own family. Could we meet in the next couple days to talk adoption specifics?

I couldn’t believe that something this amazing had happened to us!  We went from the very bottom of the adoption roller coaster, after being emotionally derailed by Carrie and her husband, to being offered the opportunity to adopt out of the clear blue sky. In my mind, the whole convulted puzzle finally fit together, and it was good. It was good, people. It seemed like this was what we had been preparing for, like all the heartache and pain had led us to THIS moment.

As confident as we were, we told no one but our parents while it was all unfolding, just to be on the safe side. Because, duh. Our track record was abysmal and it was all starting to feel a little bit too much like The Boy Who Cried Wolf: Family Addition Edition.  We kept the news to ourselves and felt like we were hiding the greatest surprise ever, which also felt kind of sneaky and fun, if I’m being honest.

The expectant mother went into labor a couple days ago and we hired a lawyer for her. The family asked nothing of us other than for prayers. There were/are factors in play that made/make it largely impossible for the birth mother to raise the baby. She knew this, and chose adoption.  It was a very brave, very self-aware thing to do and the hubs and I were impressed.  Her situation is the type where, if she chose to keep the baby, her parents would be the ones doing the raising.* Her parents are folks who have dedicated their lives to raising children, both biological and adopted. They are people who have relished the role of grandparents over the past few years and recently began enjoying a well-deserved retirement.  As you can imagine, raising a newborn is probably not at the top of their retirement bucket list.

*Note: I’m not being judgemental. The above statement was shared with me, I did not come to that conclusion “just because.”

The hubs and I, demonstrating our shared inability to sense a pattern, really believed we were going up to meet the baby today and begin the process of adoption. As you may have gleaned from my sarcasm, that did not happen.  I received a call this about mid-morning that the daughter had decided to parent her baby.

I sincerely wished her well, gracefully congratulated her on the new addition, and took it like a champ. That is not a humble brag folks; that is a straight-up, unabashed, honest to goodness BRAG, and I stand behind it.

We set a new record, folks!  Two failed adoptions in one week! I guess we all get to be famous for something at some point!  Hooray.

This time was easier because of the shorter time span, and also because my adoption group acquaintance is a really great person who kept us in the loop and up to date the whole time.  She is a neat lady and she is trying to handle this as best she can, too. I think she was as surprised as I was at the sudden change of heart, because, if you remember from a couple paragraphs up, she and her husband are going to be the people raising that baby, something they had not planned on.  That is easily as unfair as what keeps happening to the hubs and I.  I really do wish her and her husband the very best as they navigate this unexpected new challenge, and pray for health and joy for them, and baby girl, and their daughter.

As for the hubs and I, maybe it’s time to take a hint. We don’t know.  We’re evaluating our next steps. When you consider the years of infertility, the pregnancy losses, the failed adoption situations…I mean, if you called someone several times and left voicemails that weren’t returned, followed it up with a few text messages and emails that were ignored, and finally, showed up at that someone’s house and rang the doorbell to no answer, even though the lights were on and both cars were in the driveway, what would you surmise from the situation?  That’s where we are right now. We’re infertile adoption stalkers.

It sounds pitiful, but truly, each day brings us so much joy with our little silver lining, Mr. E.  Things sure aren’t going our way, but that one time, they did. We must never forget that, and treasure the gift we were given.

 

Free

Posted in Adoption, The Adoption Waiting Game, Uncategorized by

We have closure, friends.

I think it has been clear for a while now that we have been bobbing and weaving through various shades of red flags.  It was our first time going down this road and we didn’t know what a red flag looked like, exactly.  We could only go with our gut, and hoped we would know when it was time to hold firm and when it was time to cut bait.  We received awesome feedback from YOU, the caring people who follow our journey, and we are so grateful for that because it was affirming and validating as we slowly realized that this is not the way adoption is supposed to work.

In our minds, babies are treasures, not bargaining chips or other methods of currency.  If we had been thinking differently, maybe we would have understood the game long before now.

As much as we had to fight to get information from our agency, our coordinator was facing the same fight to get information from the parents.  It was a cyclical nightmare that none of us could allow to continue for our own emotional health.  Fortunately, today, our coordinator was able to locate and touch base with Carrie’s social worker, who shared the following:  

 “Carrie shared her plan with me and the chance of this adoption going through is very slim.  The parents are very invested in raising their child. I would warn that I would be very surprised if adoption was the route they chose, regardless of the paternity test results.” 

She went on to share that Carrie’s husband, as well as friends and family, have been bringing gifts and clothes to the house on a regular basis.  Our coordinator, hoping for the best, assumed that Carrie had maybe changed her mind in the past couple of weeks.  The social worker said it was her impression that parenting had been the plan since at least the fall.  The fall? You can’t get much earlier than that when you have a June due date for crying out loud on Sunday!

So, why the ruse?  We can only be left to speculate about much of it.  Maybe they really were considering adoption and wanted an agency and a plan in place in case they decided that was their only option.  Maybe they knew they would need a paternity test and it costs a TON of money and an adoption agency would very likely pay for it.  They were still pushing hard for the paternity test through their social worker even today, and as you know the hubs and I majorly advocated to get it for them before the birth.  It was the right thing to do, you know the story.  But sadly the story was not entirely true, and they wanted to know the paternity for their benefit, not ours.  We lucked out that this was all discovered before we paid for half the test; it costs about 3K.

The next question: Why did they pick us?  They had to choose a family to stay in the program, and they had plenty of profiles to choose from.  Why did they pick us knowing they were going to parent the baby?  There is no way to know.  Maybe because we had a kid already, or because our profile shows we have a large, supportive network of family and friends?  I mean, if you have to screw someone over, I guess you pick the people who look like they have the best chance of bouncing back?  I don’t even begin to pretend I understand this mind set.  I will say this though, and I’m not trying to sound like a martyr:  I’m glad it was us rather than a childless couple.  As painful as this has been, it would have been absolutely unendurable if we didn’t have our sweet miracle to love throughout the whole ordeal.  Besides our faith in God’s plan, the hugs and kisses and silliness of our little boy were what made it possible for us to keep going and believe it was going to work out.  It’s funny though, it didn’t work out, but we’re still here, bent but not broken somehow. 

I should be angry at Carrie and her husband, but I’m not.  They were running a scam, yes, and lying to people, yes, and these things are unacceptable.  But I think it’s also the only way they know how to survive.   It’s too bad, because Carrie is a very smart women, and poverty and abuse of government programs are not the only options available to her.  She has the smarts to work herself out of her situation and she is only two years from being a nurse, which would provide a great living for her family.  She could not keep the baby and do the nursing program though, so I guess she is giving up/delaying that dream. What I would want Carrie to know (but probably not her husband, because he didn’t seem like the type who would care much), is that her actions caused us great pain, even if it was unintentional.  And I think that her day-to-day life was so deeply mired in crisis and chaos that she wasn’t even aware of how her choices left us reeling in anxiety and sorrow time and time again.  

Since the day we were informed we were chosen to adopt, April 1st  (over five weeks ago), Carrie provided just enough tidbits of information to the agency (and then them to us) periodically to let us believe she wanted this adoption no matter what, and we were the family she wanted.  We believed her and the agency believed her.  Our lunchtime adoption meeting on April 17 was magic to me; I believed her when she said we were just the couple she had hoped for.  Apparently I’m too trusting/gullible and she’s a fantastic actress.  
The past five weeks were some of the worst of my life.  It was a constant struggle of emotions; should I be eagerly anticipating the birth of our son, or should I be an anxious mess because we haven’t heard from the expectant mother in a week?  Should I be destroyed because I found their baby registries online, or should I believe Carrie when she said her mother did it?  In five weeks, this adoption was on and off three times.  That takes a serious toll on a person.  Much is written about the emotional pain and suffering of birth mothers, but it is taboo to mention the emotional turmoil of adoptive parents.  Adoption coordinators might tell you, “You don’t know what it’s like to lose a baby.”  That, unfortunately, is some bullsh*t.  The fact is, most adoptive parents know exactly what that’s like.  We find ourselves at adoption agencies because we have lost babies.  That’s not nothin’ and our losses should be acknowledged, too.  

To summarize: There will be no bouncing baby boy joining our family in mid-June.  We accept this and are dealing with it because it was never real.  It certainly wasn’t the baby God has intended just for us, although we know he/she is out there somewhere.  This journey is hard; even potential leads are difficult to get excited about or take seriously, because we’ve been there before so often that our instinct is to automatically assume the worst.  We’re going to work on that though, because that’s no way to live, and the baby that is destined to be ours deserves better than that, and so do we.


An Open Letter to An Expectant Mother

Posted in Adoption, The Adoption Waiting Game by

Hi Carrie (obviously not your real name)!

Our agency does not want us talking to each other yet for some reason. I can’t even begin to dream what that reason is, especially since our meeting was three weeks ago and went great. We were encouraged to get to know one another and find out how I could be a support to you during the last month of pregnancy. I couldn’t wait to get started!  But then I was told any communication would have to through the agency, then most recently they said now was not a good time to communicate with you at all. I don’t know what’s happening, but the only option I have left to reach you is via my blog. So, that’s what I’m going to do!  You will probably never see this, but it doesn’t make it any less true. Who knows, maybe a little bird will lead you right to it!

I have changed minor details about you in my previous posts, to maintain your privacy. And of course we both know your name isn’t Carrie! No one will guess your identity unless you tell them yourself. 

First of all, are you well? How is the ninth month of pregnancy treating you? You were already very uncomfortable from the baby jamming his feet in your ribs when we met three weeks ago. You said at that time the doctors thought he was close to five pounds! He’s a big boy, it sounds like. I hope you are finding plenty of time for self care and relaxation everyday.

You mentioned you would be receiving 1-2 ultrasounds a week from here forward, to make sure you weren’t in any danger. I pray for you every day, and I worry, because I know the doctor said no more babies after the last one. I know you chose to carry him anyway despite the risks. I’m so glad you have excellent doctors available to you who will catch anything that might be concerning. 

I know you might feel embarrassed about the whole paternity thing. Stop that right now. You aren’t the first woman to be there and you won’t be the last. I admit when I heard about the possibility of another father it made my head spin, but not from judgement. It was because I couldn’t believe you had another challenge to deal with in your already challenging pregnancy. 

Guess what the hubs did? When he heard that our agency wouldn’t do a paternity test until after the birth, he was outraged. He couldn’t believe they would deny you the courtesy of being able to take a paternity test now, allowing you to discover who the father is and giving you the chance to make an adoption plan before the birth. He was shocked by the cruelty of the expectation that you would give birth to the baby, and then be expected to wait 7-9 days to learn the paternity. And to be totally honest, he thought it was tremendously disrespectful of them to continue to treat us like dirt on the bottom of their shoes. Establishing paternity as soon as possible benefits us as well.  So, after I was told that the paternity test would be done after birth and to deal with it, my husband decided that was not how it was going to be. He contacted the agency to inform them that his expectation was that this test, as long as it was safe and what YOU wanted, would be done as soon as it could be scheduled. And they responded this afternoon to say, “Okay, it looks like we are going to do the test early after all.”  Hooray for the hubs!

I remember you telling me that when you placed a baby for adoption several years ago, the only reason you were able to do it was because the woman you chose made you feel safe and supported. You knew she was going to be an outstanding mother. It is killing me that the agency is not allowing me to contact you or provide you with emotional support in any way. The last month of pregnancy is so hard, and I really wanted to be able to shoulder some of your burden. I wanted to spend more time with you so you could see for yourself the type of mother I am, and hopefully become increasingly reassured that you made the right choice. 

Regardless of whether you decide to place or parent, don’t give up on your dream of being a nurse. The fact that you have managed to work, raise children, manage your health condition, and earn your associates degree all at the same time is astounding. That’s one of the first things I learned about you, and that’s when I knew you were one tough cookie. If you’ve come this far, there is no doubt you can make it all the way to being an RN. You made it pretty clear you weren’t going to be stopped! At our meeting, the hubs and I noticed you definitely have that “nurse” aura, that quality that automatically calms the people around you. In my opinion, that’s 95% of what makes a good nurse, so you’re well on your way. 😊

We know you have big decisions to make and they’re coming up quick. This is our unsolicited advice: make the decision that is best for you and the baby, period. The responsibility of a baby rests on you, and therefore you have executive decision-making power. Don’t make it for your husband or your kids. Don’t make it for the agency. Don’t make it for us. Don’t be influenced by non-supportive friends and family members who tell you they know what’s best for you.  Look inward and decide what feeds and nurtures your soul, and go from there. 

If you choose adoption, you won’t find a more loving family ready to welcome your baby boy with open arms and hearts. We have not made ourselves available to any other opportunities since the day you chose us. Maybe that was naive, but it seemed like the right thing to do. With the paternity test moving forward, soon you will know what you want to do. We are looking forward to hearing your decision, and we will support you in whatever that happens to be. Your value is not determined by the baby you carry. 

Dear Abby, Where Are You? Advise Me!

Posted in Adoption, The Adoption Waiting Game by

Calling any and all Dear Abby’s of the world:

I am actively seeking guidance from you, my readers. You have something I don’t have, which is the glorious quality of being on the outside looking in. At the bottom of the post I ask for your opinion. Please, oh please, share it with me.  I crave perspective.

Here is the situation.  The agency texted me right before closing time to inform me they don’t want to pay for the paternity test while expectant mom is still pregnant, although it can be done with a blood test, so it is non-invasive.  They have decided to wait and do it at birth, which is barely cheaper.  And once again, I can’t believe the ridiculousness I am forced to endure.  It has become the official spectator sport of this adoption.

To summarize both situations: 

A paternity test now means that in about a week we would know who the father is, and contingient on the results we would either proceed with the adoption plan, or it would be all over, depending on which man is the father.  We could finally get to experience some anticipation and enthusiasm; if the results went the other way, we could mourn the loss (again) and be allowed to move on emotionally. Most importantly, Carrie (emom) would know in advance of the birth if she was placing the baby or keeping the baby.  She could create the adoption plan she wants ahead of time.  Her husband would not have to watch this baby being born, wondering if it is his kid. He could either go through the experience of elatedly watching his son be born, or if not that, he would otherwise know that he is there to support his wife throughout the labor but not get his hopes up at the birth.  For those wondering, they were officially separated for a short time, hence the second man in the picture.  I felt it was important to add that, because Carrie is a really good person, and she may be in our lives one day.

A paternity test at birth means we all experience hell on earth for the next month. The hubs and I would just have to wait it out and hope for the best.  We would still not be in the waiting pool, instead we would just keep twiddling our thumbs and praying this might work out after all. We wouldn’t even be at the hospital when the baby was born, we would be called up only after the paternity test came back. Our coordinator told us not to worry, because paternity tests are done all the time and take no longer than 48 hours for results. Oh, is that right?  Because when I looked up the hospital Carrie will be giving birth at, I learned that NO, the hospital does not do paternity tests, and in fact almost no hospital does. You have to bring your own kit, send it out, and results are available in 7-9 days at the earliest. I can’t describe how shocked I was when the coordinator straight up told me, “They do the testing in-house at the hospital. We will have results in 48 hours.” Our coordinator, the person in charge of our such a major chunk of our lives, doesn’t even know the procedure is NOT done at the hospital. She doesn’t know the results turn around time or even a close estimate. Since she doesn’t know this, she doesn’t have a clue or a plan what happens to the baby during that time. She should know all of these things and she knows so little. It should not be my job to discover and interpret vital details for someone who does this for a living, especially someone we are paying an enormous amount of money to do this sort of thing on our behalf.

Let’s speculate on what those 7-9 days will be like for the baby; we aren’t allowed to take him home without the test results. If Carrie takes him home for nine days, it seems unlikely she would be able to part with him regardless of who the father is. And what about her five older children? Is the expectation that they are going to be cool with having a new baby brother in the house for a week and then disappearing if she decided to continue with the adoption? Where did our baby go?  What about the likely possibility that she doesn’t want to take the baby home, because of everything I just mentioned above? The baby goes into Cradle Care, also known as foster care.  And all because they don’t want to spring for a non-invasive paternity test right now, even though we offered to pay for half of it. I’m disgusted.

It’s Dear Abby time: In the comments below, will you please cast your vote for what you would do in this situation? The hubs and I are clouded by emotion and are interested in what other people would do in our place. Here are your choices:
A: Insist on doing the paternity test NOW, no matter who we have to convince.
B: Just be patient and wait until the baby is born; the paternity will be found out eventually.
C: Cut ties with this situation and hope another opportunity comes along someday.
D: Request that the agency director serve as our coordinator for this case since it is just too big of a responsibility for the coordinator (on the job 9 months) to navigate effectively. A more experienced, responsible coordinator could have handled even this complicated of a situation with more finesse.
E: Any other suggestion or idea you can think of that may be helpful.

And Then There Were Two

Posted in Adoption, The Adoption Waiting Game by

We are living out soap opera twists left and right around here!  I’m not sure how we got so…lucky?

Yes, it’s true. Since the day we learned we were chosen to adopt, then not, then back on, then off again, then kinda on again, then probably off but no one really knew, we have experienced more drama than either of us have ever known in our lives put together. Here’s the thing about the hubs and I; we shun drama. We actively shun it. We are very happy with our calm, predictable lives. That doesn’t mean boring. It just means we don’t usually encounter things like paternity tests.

About that: Our adoption coordinator called this morning with some interesting news. Perhaps you recall the latest hang up regarding the adoption. Since that time, something came to light, and that something is that the paternity of the baby is unknown. It was previously assumed the father was the gentleman who changed his mind and didn’t want to sign the adoption papers, effectively squashing the adoption. There’s still a decent chance he is the father. However, there’s also a chance the baby was conceived with another man. If that’s the case, we could still adopt the baby because the other guy is in favor of it. The expectant mother would like to place baby boy with us either way. However, that can’t happen if the first guy is the father, since he doesn’t want to sign the papers. It’s all very Days of Our Lives. 

The next step is to do a DNA test to determine the paternity of the baby. The agency is looking into if this is a safe procedure to do in the third trimester. The expectant mother really wants to know the results so she can move forward with her adoption plan. The hubs and I really want to know too, but not at risk to her or the baby!  I’m not up-to-date on current paternity testing protocols.

We should know by the end of the day if a DNA test is possible. If not, the expectant parents and the hubs and I all get to wait until the baby is actually born, which, as I picture it in my mind, seems like a giant train wreck. On one hand you have a man waiting to see if the baby his wife gives birth to is his child.  I can only imagine that is going to be a devastating moment for him if it isn’t.   On the other hand, you have the hubs and I waiting to see if the paternity test shows that Guy #2 is the father, meaning we can adopt. If he isn’t, we dejectedly leave the hospital empty handed.  And you have a birthmother who has chosen adoption but may not be able to continue that plan if the baby is her husband’s, since he is not on board with that scenario. It’s a messy situation all around.  They truly are good people and I sure don’t want to see them in pain; we can only have faith that whatever the outcome, it is what is best for this baby boy.

I thought adoption was going to look more like a stork dropping a bundle off on our doorstep. NOPE.