An Open Letter to An Expectant Mother

Hi Carrie (obviously not your real name)!

Our agency does not want us talking to each other yet for some reason. I can’t even begin to dream what that reason is, especially since our meeting was three weeks ago and went great. We were encouraged to get to know one another and find out how I could be a support to you during the last month of pregnancy. I couldn’t wait to get started!  But then I was told any communication would have to through the agency, then most recently they said now was not a good time to communicate with you at all. I don’t know what’s happening, but the only option I have left to reach you is via my blog. So, that’s what I’m going to do!  You will probably never see this, but it doesn’t make it any less true. Who knows, maybe a little bird will lead you right to it!

I have changed minor details about you in my previous posts, to maintain your privacy. And of course we both know your name isn’t Carrie! No one will guess your identity unless you tell them yourself. 

First of all, are you well? How is the ninth month of pregnancy treating you? You were already very uncomfortable from the baby jamming his feet in your ribs when we met three weeks ago. You said at that time the doctors thought he was close to five pounds! He’s a big boy, it sounds like. I hope you are finding plenty of time for self care and relaxation everyday.

You mentioned you would be receiving 1-2 ultrasounds a week from here forward, to make sure you weren’t in any danger. I pray for you every day, and I worry, because I know the doctor said no more babies after the last one. I know you chose to carry him anyway despite the risks. I’m so glad you have excellent doctors available to you who will catch anything that might be concerning. 

I know you might feel embarrassed about the whole paternity thing. Stop that right now. You aren’t the first woman to be there and you won’t be the last. I admit when I heard about the possibility of another father it made my head spin, but not from judgement. It was because I couldn’t believe you had another challenge to deal with in your already challenging pregnancy. 

Guess what the hubs did? When he heard that our agency wouldn’t do a paternity test until after the birth, he was outraged. He couldn’t believe they would deny you the courtesy of being able to take a paternity test now, allowing you to discover who the father is and giving you the chance to make an adoption plan before the birth. He was shocked by the cruelty of the expectation that you would give birth to the baby, and then be expected to wait 7-9 days to learn the paternity. And to be totally honest, he thought it was tremendously disrespectful of them to continue to treat us like dirt on the bottom of their shoes. Establishing paternity as soon as possible benefits us as well.  So, after I was told that the paternity test would be done after birth and to deal with it, my husband decided that was not how it was going to be. He contacted the agency to inform them that his expectation was that this test, as long as it was safe and what YOU wanted, would be done as soon as it could be scheduled. And they responded this afternoon to say, “Okay, it looks like we are going to do the test early after all.”  Hooray for the hubs!

I remember you telling me that when you placed a baby for adoption several years ago, the only reason you were able to do it was because the woman you chose made you feel safe and supported. You knew she was going to be an outstanding mother. It is killing me that the agency is not allowing me to contact you or provide you with emotional support in any way. The last month of pregnancy is so hard, and I really wanted to be able to shoulder some of your burden. I wanted to spend more time with you so you could see for yourself the type of mother I am, and hopefully become increasingly reassured that you made the right choice. 

Regardless of whether you decide to place or parent, don’t give up on your dream of being a nurse. The fact that you have managed to work, raise children, manage your health condition, and earn your associates degree all at the same time is astounding. That’s one of the first things I learned about you, and that’s when I knew you were one tough cookie. If you’ve come this far, there is no doubt you can make it all the way to being an RN. You made it pretty clear you weren’t going to be stopped! At our meeting, the hubs and I noticed you definitely have that “nurse” aura, that quality that automatically calms the people around you. In my opinion, that’s 95% of what makes a good nurse, so you’re well on your way. 😊

We know you have big decisions to make and they’re coming up quick. This is our unsolicited advice: make the decision that is best for you and the baby, period. The responsibility of a baby rests on you, and therefore you have executive decision-making power. Don’t make it for your husband or your kids. Don’t make it for the agency. Don’t make it for us. Don’t be influenced by non-supportive friends and family members who tell you they know what’s best for you.  Look inward and decide what feeds and nurtures your soul, and go from there. 

If you choose adoption, you won’t find a more loving family ready to welcome your baby boy with open arms and hearts. We have not made ourselves available to any other opportunities since the day you chose us. Maybe that was naive, but it seemed like the right thing to do. With the paternity test moving forward, soon you will know what you want to do. We are looking forward to hearing your decision, and we will support you in whatever that happens to be. Your value is not determined by the baby you carry. 

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