Someone is a Bit of a Grumpypants 

Good morning friends! For those who did not know, our baby boy’s adoption was finalized just last week! We couldn’t be more excited! I waited to publish Chapter Two of our adoption story until the adoption was finalized due to a couple of  harassing comments I received on my blog. I’m still not entirely sure of the motivation behind these sentiments, but I know WHO wrote them because using an anonymous account or calling yourself “Lucifer” simply does not erase your digital footprint. 🙄 I’m not sure if I’m more disappointed in their cruelty or their ignorance. 

The initial horrifying shock of seeing these comments was more than mitigated by my “in yo’ face” moment of triumph when I used Google Analytics to trace their identities. It took a while but I did it. I am so very happy to say that they are not anyone involved in the adoption process whatsoever. 

I wanted to share these comments (below) with you as a way of explaining my hiatus, and also to illuminate the fact that this kind of inexplicable harassment does happen. I had read about people experiencing it on their blogs, but other than one small trolling about a year ago, I was not one of them. I don’t want you to be either. Set your security settings higher my friends! I already did. 

Furthermore, I needed to be sure these two douche canoes weren’t a threat to my kids. They are not. They are a couple of sad people, unknown to each other (I assume), who terrorize others under the guise of anonymity. One is a fellow blogger who is staunchly anti-adoption (not sure how she took an interest in me, I do not follow her) and one is someone…from high school. Yes, you heard that right! High school. Apparently, nearly 20 years ago I must have inadvertently pissed this individual off enough that they came back to haunt me, years later on my blog, “anonymously.” Curiously, I feel very sad for this person. They can’t be leading a particularly joyful life. 

These are shocking, but haters gonna hate, as they say. Anytime anyone posts, or writes, or contributes anything to the tangled inter webs of cyberspace, they open themselves up to unsolicited negativity. It doesn’t hold a candle to the overwhelming community and positive energy that inhabit 99.9% of this space. I have a whole lot to say and I’m going to continue to say it, right here on my very own blog. I hope you will forgive my big ol’ absence and keep reading! I’m just putting the finishing touches on Chapter Two and it’s ready to publish today!  I’m anxious to share it, and to get back to focusing on the positive. Life is beautiful. 😊

Follow me at and on Facebook! Links below!

In Which I Say Goodbye

Hello my friends!  Many of you are wondering where our adoption journey has led us and what’s in the mix. I’m sorry I left everyone hanging, but I needed to distance myself from the topic for a bit to gain some perspective and to just plain be okay. 

Our journey has been hard. They all are; infertility, adoption, it’s all an intense emotional struggle. I think ours has been a bit a touch on the extra brutal side.  We faced not only crushing disappointment more than twice, but also didn’t have the relationship we desired with the people we hired at huge expense to help us. Personality conflicts, they happen. I just wish it hadn’t happened to us. 

The time has come for me to wrap up my time here, at least for now. There are two reasons for this…Reason #1: My goal all along was to write an account of our journey in a very transparent way, leaving a blueprint for others who may follow and find it helpful and encouraging. BUT…about a month ago I received an email from a woman who is with the same agency as us and adopted almost immediately. She stated, pretty bluntly, that I wasn’t doing myself any favors by writing about the good, the bad, and the ugly. She thought that if birth mothers considering us found us online (soooooooo easy, that’s true) they would be turned off by my blog. At first, I was pretty pissed off she had the stones to lay that out there. I mean, it’s easy to judge when you adopted before the ink on your homestudy was even dry, right? But before long I realized she was right. And that very day I went and made all my “controversial” posts private so only I can see them and they can’t haunt us.  When I did that, I removed the integrity from my original purpose of transparency. And I can’t continue if I have to make sure every blasted post is positive and chipper, because that’s some serious bullshit. That’s not life. That’s not anything except saccharin-coated nonsense and that is not now, nor has it ever been, how I roll. 

It doesn’t help matters that I’m a humorist in my writing, and the adoption process has been anything but funny. My desire to write is so strong, and I may start another blog where I can still write for people who like my quirky take on things. We will see. 

Reason #2: Regarding where we are now in the adoption process: ah, let’s see how to accurately describe…oh yeah…we are nowhere. If our journey was a location, it would be Area 51. I literally have not a thing to report because absolutely nothing is happening. All of the people in our class have adopted. All of the people in the classes after us have adopted. We remain, and remain, our smiling faces moving lower and lower on the list of online profiles. It has been 7 weeks since we were presented with a situation. Our coordinator says, “I just don’t understand. Families like yours usually get picked right away! I thought you’d be gone in 2-3 months!” 

Whatever. What. Ev. Er. 

The hubs and I are doing well. I have started forcing myself to accept the possibility we may simply have one child. I grieve for E, who asks about “his baby” all the time; I grieve for the hubs, who is such a badass father and has so much awesomeness to impart onto another kid; I grieve for myself because when I became a mother I realized it was what I was born to do, strange as that may sound. I just always thought I would have more than one kid to annoy with my mothering. 😊 But the truth is if we are only supposed to have one, we will make it and be okay. We have E, and if we were only meant to have one miracle granted in our lives, I’m so insanely grateful he was just that. 

Thank you friends for following along and supporting me the whole way. If I write here again, it will be because we have adopted, somehow. 

But if you happen to be acquainted with a baby that needs a family, you know where to find us. 😉 

Love, light, and blessings to all. 

Hey, Hey! It’s a Good Day! 

Things are looking up around these parts. I’ve been waiting for this glorious day, after a rather unfun winter and spring. Of course, it isn’t that the entirety of those seasons were a bummer, but you know what I mean. When I think back later, on the winter and spring of 2015, they will likely not receive any honorable mentions as particularly outstanding times in my life. And that’s okay, because life isn’t supposed to be a nonstop feel good session, and the cruddy times are undeniably essential to truly appreciating the good times. 

It’s just the little things. Work is about to finally let up for the hubs, as he emerges from his busiest, craziest time of year. I’m almost done with an editing project I’ve been doing from home for several months. While we are both certainly grateful for his job and my contract work, it is going to be AH-MAY-ZING to be finished right around the same time. Then…downtime. 

Our plans so far include spending time together as a family, and just being. We set up a play set in the backyard this year now that E is old enough to enjoy it, and well as a “construction site.”  The construction site was crucial because he kept going into the dog yard with his dump trucks and hauling out gravel to spread hither and yon. This included gravel in the grass and gravel in the flower beds and gravel sliding under my feet on the patio. It was only a matter of time before wayward gravel injured someone, probably me. 

Behold, the mighty construction site. To me it’s a pile of rocks, to E it’s a magical wonderland. Oh to live life through the eyes of a three-year old!

 E has provided us with his requests for summer activities:

  • find some tadpoles in the mountains
  • find a starfish at the beach, in a “water house” (tide pool) 
  • visit an elephant

My kid is easy to please. I fear for the day he starts hounding us for expensive toys and nonstop trips to cool places and the latest in footwear. I assume that’s all coming. But for now, I’m pretty psyched that his list is easy-peasy. Luckily, from where we live you could be in the mountains and at the beach, on the very same day, if you so desired. And elephants aren’t too hard to find when you have an excellent zoo 45 minutes away!  It isn’t as if we have to go on safari to find one. 

I know I’ve turned a corner because although there are no new adoption prospects in sight, I find that no longer fills me with sorrow or fear. Those feelings have been replaced with patience (gulp) and a kind of underlying excitement that it will happen eventually. I’ve gotta give all the props to God on this one, because I asked him to take this burden from me and allow me to just live life focusing on the things I can do something about. And He did!  You can’t beat the feeling of having your prayer answered before you’ve even said Amen!

Here’s to all of us hanging on through the tough stuff and choosing to revel in the beauty all around us, especially if you happen to find gravel beautiful. 😉

Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems (sort of)

Today I talked to two different adoption consultant companies, Laura at Faithful Adoption Consultants and Shannon at Christian Adoption Consultants. I wasn’t looking exclusively for Christian organizations but these two had the best reputations by far for adoption consultants, (please note, consultants are not the same as facilitators, which are illegal in many states) and it was easy to see why. After speaking with both these ladies my heart sort of sank into my stomach because I realized that this is what our adoption journey could have looked like if I had chosen better. I didn’t know there were different ways you could expect to be treated by an agency. Now I do. 

I enjoyed speaking with them both because they both validated what I knew to be true, that this journey the hubs and I have been in is abnormal, and not a good representation of what adoption looks like. I pulled my punches big time in describing what had happened, both in speaking with them and on my last blog post. I chose to do that because I feel like it’s important to take the high road when I can, and also because if I can ever hope to sincerely forgive our agency for what they did to us, I can’t relive the whole awful thing over and over again. 

In this section I will be discussing finances. It is not the most comfortable thing to be open about, but I feel it is essential to be transparent about all areas of adoption. Education is key. I was impressed by both women because both of them advised me not to pay anything to retain them as consultants at this time. The reason?  Because our current adoption budget (minus the $8000.00 we would forfeit at our agency) wouldn’t be sufficient to afford any of the adoption situations they have available to match with their clients. They were actually looking out for us and advising us how to proceed wisely.  Of course that was very disappointing to hear, but it bolstered my faith in humanity that there really are adoption workers out there, even in this cutthroat industry, that possess and demonstrate integrity. I needed a reminder of that. 

I told them I would see what I could do about rounding up another 10K, and then would touch base with them in the future. At this stage really all we can do is save more up, slowly. We personally aren’t into fundraising or crowd raising or whatever the kids are calling it these days.  There are many folks that do, and I’ve got no problem with that. It just isn’t for us. It doesn’t feel right when we know there are others who need it more. 

Many adoptive couples finance part of their adoptions by receiving the available grant opportunities one can apply for. I’ve looked in to every single one I could find, and they all have income requirements, and our income is too high. It reminded me of filling out FAFSA forms right before college started, and I was soundly disqualified because my parents made “too much money.”  I’m sure I’m not the only one who ran into that questionable problem. And here I am running into it again, oy vey. Yes, the hubs makes a nice living for our family. But I imagine if you take almost any yearly income and try to slide 40k out, after taxes, you’re going to run into a problem, right?

I wonder how many families, like us, have had to fund their adoption expenses after years of funding infertility treatment expenses?  There should be a special grant for that! In that situation, many resources have already been tapped out to pay for the fertility treatments long before the couple even gets to the adoption part of the journey. Resources like personal savings, refinancing your home, taking out your home equity, borrowing from your retirement plan, getting a 0% loan from a merciful credit union, obtaining a 0% for-12-months-credit card, etc. Couples who have experienced an infertility journey, or an adoption journey, or both (shudder) are the most financially creative people in the world! I’m absolutely convinced of this. 

Our standing as of now with our current adoption agency is that we will be presented for immediate placements. I have no way of knowing if that is actually going to happen or not. Nothing more has been said about the meeting, in fact there hasn’t been any communication at all, with one exception: we did get a text last week about an immediate placement and if we wanted to be shown. We said yes. After two days of silence we texted for an update and learned the mother had chosen someone else. And that’s been it. We have friends who are also in the program who received two adoption opportunities for babies due at the end of June. We didn’t get those sent to us. We dare not reach out to ask why, for fear of being perceived as pushy! 😋

We are keeping on, and trying to keep adoption frustrations pushed to the side so they don’t interfere with our daily life. It is easy to let the process blind you to the blessings in front of you, as you chase the ones you hope are ahead of you. 

It can be a challenge to write about what’s happening in our adoption journey without making our lives sound like we move from one disappointment-filled moment to the next. I start a lot of posts I never publish, because I re-read them and think, “Wow, this sure sounds like another sad sack story.”  So I delete them. 

When we started this journey, the hubs and I were committed to making sure that adoption issues stayed below the surface, where it couldn’t affect our daily lives and certainly not the life of our sweet boy. But, adoption doesn’t work that way. Under the best of circumstances it doesn’t work that way. Under the worst of circumstances, when you’re all alone with no one to make sense of the process and encourage you to keep moving, it definitely doesn’t work that way. It infiltrates even the healthiest, most beautiful parts of your life until the day to wake up and say, “This stops now.”

Our personal experience, due to my poor choice of agency, has been like a rotten apple. Our lives are like a bowl of fresh fruit, and our journey with our agency is like the one rotten apple in the middle of the bowl that starts to “influence” everything around it, trying to make the fruit it is touching rotten as well. The hubs and I obviously aren’t going to let that happen. We have been blessed with a beautiful life and one sweet, miraculous little boy. We pray for more children, but not at the expense of our little family. So, how to move forward?

The current understanding with our agency, I believe, is that we are on the list for immediate placements. That means that if a baby is born and the mother wants an adoption, but she didn’t make an adoption plan, we will be on the list to be called. I have no idea how long this list is. I have no idea if we will really be called. This is the arrangement that seems to work best for everyone because it eliminates the need for there to be any communication between us and the agency. We just hear from them someday if there is an immediate placement, and if we don’t, we don’t. Most of their placements are from women who are 2-3 months away from delivery and the expectant mother chooses an adoptive couple. We won’t be hearing about those situations. 

(I have always loved the idea of an immediate placement. Some agencies call them “stork drops.”)

Many people have encouraged us to walk away from the agency and start anew. Or hire a lawyer to retrieve our program fee. Those are great ideas, and probably what should happen. But the very idea is exhausting. Eight thousand dollars is a lot of money to say goodbye to, particularly when it is needed for any adoption that may take place. History shows (thanks, Google!) that hiring a lawyer would result in the hubs and I still not getting our program fee back, and having our legal expenses plus the agency’s legal expenses to pay for. Oh, ick. I don’t even like to consider that outcome. Plus, I’m just not a litigious person at heart. The naive side of me feels like people should be able to handle their business without suing each other, you know?

Other than that, there is always the possibility that enough people know we are hoping to adopt and a situation may get networked back to us. I’m considering creating a page on this site that has our detailed family profile, in case someone happened to stumble upon it. I will probably wait a little while to do that just because I’m really trying to embrace the blessings that I have, instead of focusing on the ones I don’t. 

There is a lot of mystery around why the agency didn’t just fire us, since they can at will, according to the contract. I think the answer lies in this statement: “You guys are an excellent family. You’re a great resource to us.”  

At the time I was completely confused by this. We are a great resource to them?  How, exactly, is that the case?  Then I figured it out. We are a great resource because when expectant mothers are considering what agency to work with, they can show them different profiles of families they work with, and we market well. Got it. Adoption is a business, friends. For those considering embarking down the path, begin with your eyes wide open and understand the world you are about to enter. There are lots of ways to do it, just be sure you are well educated about the method you are choosing. 

Moving On

Good afternoon, friends!

Not since I took John Travolta to task for being an icky, semi-closeted creeper who gropes women publicly in the hope of appearing straight, have I had so many views on my blog. Wow!  I look at my stats every now and again, ever since that one time I learned they were there. I figured it out because WordPress actually personally contacted me to see if I had a website breech, because my page views per day went from around 150 to almost 13,000. I assured them there must be a mistake of some kind. They walked me through how to see my stats and sure enough, they were popping. I guess a lot of people don’t like John Travolta. I personally never had a problem with the guy until his busy hands/close talker/deviant behavior at the Oscars, but that was all that I needed to add him to…My List. 

Anyhoo, for the past couple of weeks there have been 500-600 people following the events of our bad soap opera-like life, and finding that out was a great way to start the day! It feels pretty amazing to know that many people care. Or, that it was like watching a huge train wreck in slow motion installments and you couldn’t turn away no matter how hard you tried. Either way, I totally get it, and I thank you.

I’ve heard from a lot of folks, many of them wondering why I’m not simmering with rage over Carrie and her husband. I will tell you that it was a very hard, very intentional decision to forgive them. My first instinct upon learning the whole story was not, “Aw shucks. Who among us hasn’t used our baby to emotionally torture and extort paternity tests and gifts from an innocent family and receive nine months of free swag from the government?

I was pissed. Then shocked. Then angry. Then feeling sorry for myself because I was sure the entire universe was conspiring against the hubs and I to make bad things happen to us over and over again until we gave up. Then, I took a deep breath, ditched the dreaded victim mentality, and made a decision.

The pursuit of adoption takes a lot of energy. A lot of energy, and time, and focus. It is a full time job at times. If I choose to harbor anger or frustration towards them, they are getting more of my resources. They already received five weeks worth, after all. So, I forgave them as I have been forgiven so many times (I’m talking ’bout you, JC!”), and put those two in my review mirror. Well, except for this post of course, but it doesn’t count. I’m trying to make a point here people!
We are moving forward. It’s hard to keep the hubs and I down for long. That doesn’t mean we are sadness-free, just that we are keeping the faith. We have been ready for a baby in our arms for a long time and E sometimes asks me at bedtime where “his baby” is.  We will stay the course, with hearts full of hope that somewhere out there is a baby that needs a devoted and loving daddy, a goofy mommy, and a sweet big brother who is ready to share his cars!

Until next time!  One of these days I’m going to have actual good news to share!