It can be a challenge to write about what’s happening in our adoption journey without making our lives sound like we move from one disappointment-filled moment to the next. I start a lot of posts I never publish, because I re-read them and think, “Wow, this sure sounds like another sad sack story.” So I delete them.
When we started this journey, the hubs and I were committed to making sure that adoption issues stayed below the surface, where it couldn’t affect our daily lives and certainly not the life of our sweet boy. But, adoption doesn’t work that way. Under the best of circumstances it doesn’t work that way. Under the worst of circumstances, when you’re all alone with no one to make sense of the process and encourage you to keep moving, it definitely doesn’t work that way. It infiltrates even the healthiest, most beautiful parts of your life until the day to wake up and say, “This stops now.”
Our personal experience, due to my poor choice of agency, has been like a rotten apple. Our lives are like a bowl of fresh fruit, and our journey with our agency is like the one rotten apple in the middle of the bowl that starts to “influence” everything around it, trying to make the fruit it is touching rotten as well. The hubs and I obviously aren’t going to let that happen. We have been blessed with a beautiful life and one sweet, miraculous little boy. We pray for more children, but not at the expense of our little family. So, how to move forward?
The current understanding with our agency, I believe, is that we are on the list for immediate placements. That means that if a baby is born and the mother wants an adoption, but she didn’t make an adoption plan, we will be on the list to be called. I have no idea how long this list is. I have no idea if we will really be called. This is the arrangement that seems to work best for everyone because it eliminates the need for there to be any communication between us and the agency. We just hear from them someday if there is an immediate placement, and if we don’t, we don’t. Most of their placements are from women who are 2-3 months away from delivery and the expectant mother chooses an adoptive couple. We won’t be hearing about those situations.
(I have always loved the idea of an immediate placement. Some agencies call them “stork drops.”)
Many people have encouraged us to walk away from the agency and start anew. Or hire a lawyer to retrieve our program fee. Those are great ideas, and probably what should happen. But the very idea is exhausting. Eight thousand dollars is a lot of money to say goodbye to, particularly when it is needed for any adoption that may take place. History shows (thanks, Google!) that hiring a lawyer would result in the hubs and I still not getting our program fee back, and having our legal expenses plus the agency’s legal expenses to pay for. Oh, ick. I don’t even like to consider that outcome. Plus, I’m just not a litigious person at heart. The naive side of me feels like people should be able to handle their business without suing each other, you know?
Other than that, there is always the possibility that enough people know we are hoping to adopt and a situation may get networked back to us. I’m considering creating a page on this site that has our detailed family profile, in case someone happened to stumble upon it. I will probably wait a little while to do that just because I’m really trying to embrace the blessings that I have, instead of focusing on the ones I don’t.
There is a lot of mystery around why the agency didn’t just fire us, since they can at will, according to the contract. I think the answer lies in this statement: “You guys are an excellent family. You’re a great resource to us.”
At the time I was completely confused by this. We are a great resource to them? How, exactly, is that the case? Then I figured it out. We are a great resource because when expectant mothers are considering what agency to work with, they can show them different profiles of families they work with, and we market well. Got it. Adoption is a business, friends. For those considering embarking down the path, begin with your eyes wide open and understand the world you are about to enter. There are lots of ways to do it, just be sure you are well educated about the method you are choosing.