Category Archives: Adoption Paperchasin’

I’m Back, and I’m Reclaiming My Joy

Posted in Adoption, The Adoption Waiting Game by

I took a little break last week on account of great sadness at the loss of this adoption. I was really grieving the loss of this baby I never even met because we thought we had made our way to The One. And when I heard we hadn’t, it was very hard to accept that. On Friday morning, I woke up and decided I was reclaiming my joy. I can’t live in this hypothetical “what if” world anymore. Anyone who has experienced similar issues knows what I’m talking about, whether it is infertility or the adoption wait, or even the adoption wait after you have allegedly been matched.

An example of the hypothetical world is where even though you need a new single stroller, you decide not to buy one; after all, why spend the money when you will need a double stroller any day now!

The sorrow I felt last week at yet another failure to grow our family was like a gray, gloomy stalker cloud that followed me around and made it very hard to remember to be grateful for every miraculous blessing in my life. And I’m an extremely happy person! I irritate the hubs with my optimism on a regular basis. It has been hard on him to see me suffer the past couple of weeks, but he has been my big strong rock to lean on during the worst of it, despite his own pain. Just another reason why I’m grateful to travel this oft-painful road with a man who (usually) knows just what to say or do to snap me back into annoying optimistic mode again!

It took three years to become Mama and Dada when we welcomed our son, E, into this great big world. Since he was 18 months old, we have been trying for #2. Over half his life, to put it into stark terms. The hubs and I both have been extremely careful to protect him from feeling any second-hand stress, and I think we did a good job despite having several incidents where stress and grief were certainly warranted. But I learned something sombering this week: My son, the sweet, deeply empathetic lovebug that I have tried to shield from my aching heart, told my mom while they were playing, “Mama still doesn’t feel well.” Well, I haven’t been sick. And that means that I haven’t been as clever about hiding my emotions from him as I thought I had. I was horrified, horrified. Hearing that he said those words was like getting punched in the ovaries. AND that’s the moment I decided enough was enough. It’s one thing for the hubs and I to struggle with our feelings about the fall-through, but I will not allow that to spill over into my son’s world. He’s three. Our problems are not his problems. I absolutely decided in that moment that he would never again have to worry that, “Mama isn’t feeling well,” along with the added burden of wondering why.

For those of you who have adopted, are in the adoption process, or are thinking about adopting, please take note: Our adoption situation has been atypical. I will be discussing that more in my next post. I know of many people who have adopted seamlessly, no muss no fuss, and the common denominator seems to be the quality of the agency you work with as well as the competence of your adoption coordinator.

I reclaimed my joy this weekend by spending time with family in the beautiful sunshine. I spent lots of cuddle time with my little man and taught him how to do Eskimo kisses. I worked on my “big” project, my pond and the waterfall; it’s just never quite the way I want it to look, so I took it apart and built it up once again, after looting all kinds of tips and ideas from Pinterest. It looks fab. I did not clean the house, because cleaning the house is not joy-giving.  It’s joy-thieving.

Most importantly, I asked God to carry this burden for me. I have prayed this before, but this time it was more of an impassioned plea. And wouldn’t you know it, before I even opened my eyes I felt like some of the weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and replaced with a feeling of calm that seemed to whisper, “Isn’t this better? Let’s stay in this emotional space, shall we?”

Thank you for following my journey, friends. Here’s to hoping the baby that’s meant for us makes an appearance soon!

To follow Borrowed Genes, keep scrolling down until you reach the email box!

How to Navigate Around Borrowed Genes

Posted in Adoption, The Adoption Waiting Game by

Hi friends!  

A few of you have asked how to know when a new post is up, especially as we get down to the exciting events ahead that will be here before we know it. I have NOT been posting on my personal Facebook page, because I wanted to give people who were truly interested in this journey an opportunity to follow along of their own free will, without me clogging their news feeds. Basically that means you need to be following the blog one way or another to get updates from my Borrowed Genes Facebook page or via email.   A couple friends had not heard we were chosen to adopt, and were a bit irritated that they heard the news two weeks later. And I was over here all protesting, “But, the blog!  The blog.” 

1) If you are viewing the site from a computer/laptop, there should be a very large widget in the top right of the screen that allows you to enter your email address to be notified when a new post is up. For some reason, that box does not appear if you are using a tablet or a smartphone. This has been frustrating to correct, but the good people at WordPress are trying to troubleshoot where that glitch is. In the meantime, computer!

2) Follow my website Facebook page, also called Borrowed Genes. When I publish a new post, it will show up there and then appear in your news feed so you can click on it if you choose. 

3) Comments: there is a place for you to leave comments all the way down at the end of the post. Please do, I enjoy reading them and it makes it a more interactive experience for all of us. All the way down at the bottom you also have the choice of liking the post, or even sharing it on social media if I was especially profound that day. I am occasionally profound; mostly I’m prolost. 

Time is winding down and anticipation is trending up!  My forecast for the next few days: interesting with a chance of exhilaration. 

Peace be with you, dear readers. Thanks for your continued support. 

Look down here ⬇️ for where to comment, like or share. Keep scrolling…you made it! 

Excited? It’s Complicated.

Posted in Adoption, The Adoption Waiting Game by

Tomorrow marks two weeks since we learned we had been chosen to adopt.  The time since we heard those blessed words has been marked with enormous excitement tinged with guarded enthusiasm.  As with any adoption, there is always the possibility that the expectant mother may decide she wants to parent after all, after giving birth to the baby.  Although we have been told she is very committed to her adoption plan, I still have reserved a big ol’ chunk of my heart just in case. I will let it out of heart jail after she has made her decision and signed the papers.  The old me would have been shouting the news from the rooftops and moving forward emotionally sans hesitation, but experience has taught me to proceed with caution. I wish that wasn’t the way it was, but it is only temporary. Once I am free to rejoice, I plan to do so unabashedly!

We get to meet the expectant parents this week!  I am looking forward to the moment I get to meet them, but I am petrified with fear as well.  It will definitely be something to see this brave woman pregnant with the baby we have prayed for since we started infertility journey part deux.  Back then I could not have imagined that my first encounter with my future child would take place just a few short weeks before they were due to enter the world, growing comfortably in another woman’s body. I would not ever have considered that a negative, I just don’t think I would have thought of it at all. The fact that this is where we have circled around to now feels very natural and exactly the way it was meant to be.

Nonetheless, when you ask me if I’m excited, don’t do a double take and grimace when I hesitate before finally saying, “I think so.” I realize that is a strange answer, but on the other hand, it’s an honest answer, and I am nothing if not honest.
 

 

 

Adoption Atlas, In the Bag

Posted in Adoption Paperchasin' by

I made a portfolio.  I thought it was great.

But THEN, I went online and started cruising OTHER potential adoptive parents’ portfolios and realized that mine was, in fact, not great.  It was average, at best.

This could not stand.  So, beginning Christmas Day, after all the festivities had wrapped up, I told The Hubs he needed to prepare himself to hold down the fort solo for the next few days.  I was doing this thing again, only this time I was bringing my “A” game.  I left him with a to do list and a dazed expression on his face as I disappeared into my office.  As I closed the door I think I heard him say, “Wait, I thought you already…”  His confusion was understandable, but the past was the past and there was no time to explain that we were not entering The Pool with a mediocre portfolio.

The portfolio is not a portfolio.  It is a gigantic book, generally created using software such as Mixbook or Shutterfly, where you need to encompass the whole of your lives, via photos, to be presented to potential birth mothers.  In our case, the challenge was making sure E was represented, but was not the focus of the book.  This was kind of hard, since he is the center of our lives and there are virtually no pictures from the past three years that do not have him in them.  I think this says something about us as parents, though.  We are good parents!  We take our son on vacations and to local activities and to have new experiences and we do everything together as a family.  When, God willing, we add another precious being to the family, they will take their place next to E as the centers of our world, our equally loved and adored children.  If there is one thing we have learned from loving E and being his parents, it is that the love we have for him is not based in our genetic connection.  That could not possibly be less of the reason that we love, adore, and cherish him.  That is why I can say with complete confidence that when we are chosen to adopt a baby, that baby will be loved beyond what could even be described through words.

Sorry about the tangent.  I’ve been trying to find the right words to put into our “Expectant Mother” letter, and those may have been some of them.  But back to the portfolio.  From Thursday night until Tuesday night I spent 53 hours creating our adoption portfolio/giant book.  Most of Saturday was spent celebrating a late Christmas with my brother’s family, so only about four of the hours fell on that day.  Otherwise, I have been here, in my office, creating a glorious portfolio that I believe accurately represents my family in a way that is both realistic and positive.  I edited each of the 132 photos I included to have the highest resolution so they do not appear pixelated in print.  I chose color themes for each page spread based on the “vibe” of the photos and the clothes we are wearing in them.  I followed a checklist that I made for myself to make sure that every important event and person in our lives was properly represented.  I included anecdotal captions that leave no doubt how goofy this family can be, which is a very high level of goofy. Most importantly, I contacted a number of family members and begged them to search their photos for any that might have ME in them, the forgotten one that is not in any of her own family photos because she is always the photographer.  (Take note, Hubs.  The winds are changing.)

I submitted the adoption atlas last night at 7:30.  My adoption coordinator at the agency has to approve it before I can order up copies.  Consequently, I’ve been checking my email every fifteen minutes to see if she has responded yet.  Hold on, I will check again.  Nope, no reply.  Yes, I realize it is unrealistic to expect a person to review an entire dictionary of information and then to also respond to me with feedback in 17 hours, when the time frame we are dealing with is 7:30 PM-12:30 PM.  I KNOW.

And yet, you can bet the farm I will still be checking every fifteen…ten minutes, until I hear from her. I can hear The Pool calling, and it wants my Atlas!

Tell Me a Little Bit About Yourself

Posted in Adoption Paperchasin' by

Update:  I wrote this original post on Dec.3 but somehow it didn’t get posted!  I’m happy to say that after another week or so of excruciatingly revising and editing my autobiography, I finally deemed it of high enough quality to submit to the adoption agency.  That thing kicked my keister and taught me a lesson about being overly confident when it comes to writing!  Sadly, our background checks have still not been completed!  I don’t think it helped that they most likely sat at DHS vacantly, discarded during much of December as employees took their Christmas vacation days.  

On December 2nd, my husband and I reveled in triumph at the two inch high stack of adoption paperwork we had completed. Our agency, who is lucky to have one heck of a thorough and detailed office manager, provided us a checklist of every single thing we needed to complete or create in terms of documentation, and for this I am tremendously grateful. So off I marched to the post office, clutching my stack of paperwork. I opted to use the self serve machine rather than stand in line. This is something you should not do. YES there is a line winding and curving for a third of a mile inside the post office. NO you will not encounter a line at the self service machine. The reason for this is that the machine expects you to know how much insurance to buy for your package, or whether paying extra for overnight delivery is worth it. If you do not know these things, the machine will not help you, nor will it pity you, and you will hang your head in shame and join the line inside the post office, which became a half mile longer while you were screwing around with the much “quicker” self service machine. Heed my warning.

Anyway, the giant pile of paperwork was completed! This was a huge deal! Once that stack is turned in, and the FBI runs your prints to ensure you aren’t an axe murderer or a tax evader, you are assigned a social worker and join The Pool. The Pool is where you want to be. It takes a lot if work to get there, but once you are in, potential birthmothers can officially view our portfolio and have the choice of picking us, as the family they give their child. As of this writing we aren’t in The Pool yet, but our swimsuits are on and we are ready to go! The reason we aren’t in yet is because I’m an idiot. One of the items we needed to complete was a 2-3 page autobiography about ourselves. John began writing his ahead of time, and commented that it was surprisingly difficult. I scoffed at him. How hard could this actually be? 2-3 pages, I could bang that out in half an hour!  I used to be a writing teacher, after all. Maybe this assignment was difficult for other people, but it would be a piece of cake for me.

Sadly, but not unexpectedly, pride cometh before a fall. This autobiography was the hardest assignment of my life, and I once wrote a thirty page thesis on Mabel Walker Willebrandt. I kept writing draft after draft, starting over anew and then picking up again on older drafts, after realizing they were better than the drivel I was currently churning out.  It was the most vicious of the vicious cycles.  Our agency had even given us a decent outline to work with, instructing us to describe:

  • Our childhoods
  • Our marriage
  • Our parenting style
  • Our religious or spiritual beliefs
  • Our lifestyle
  • Our motivation to adopt
  • Our significant life experiences, good and bad

What I found is that nothing causes writers block quite like knowing that the piece you are attempting to write is destined for the hands of the social worker who will decide whether you are ready for The Pool or not.  It strikes terror into the hearts of even the most cheerful writers. How do you discuss significant life events that hurt so bad you didn’t know if you were even going to be happy again, WHILE making sure that you are communicating that the event made you a stronger and more empathetic person after making it through the pain? How do you describe a happy childhood without making it sounds like you grew up with the cast of Family Ties? How do you explain your existing parenting style when you are really supposed to be theorizing what it is like to be a parent for the first time?  How do you convey that yes, we genuinely, truly, from the bottom of our hearts want to grow our family through adoption, and that it isn’t just a “fall back” because the fertility treatments weren’t working?

It took me a good long time to come up with the answers to the above questions.  As someone who considers herself an insightful person, who communicates her feelings honestly and transparently, this particular assignment served me a big ol’ piece of humble pie.  Honestly, I think it’s good to eat some of that once in a while. So, for those of you waiting with great anticipation to know where we are in the process, here it is! 1) All paperwork, every single sheet, has been submitted and approved!  Yee haw!  Next up…

2) We wait for the results of our background check to come back.  They are going to come back clean as whistle, and it sounds like they will be ready as soon a couple days from now!

3) After the background checks come through, we are immediately assigned a social worker who will come into our home and investigate from the bottom to the top to make sure we don’t have any of the following: loaded guns laying around haphazardly, crack pipes sitting out on coffee tables, a pyramid of empty beer cans decorating our front window.

4) A social worker will be visiting, and in addition to checking out the house, she will interview John and I as a couple for about two hours, and then each other, separately, for an additional hour each.  She will observe our son doing his thing, and I really hope that day that his “thing” isn’t exclusively speaking in monkey talk.

We our moving right along and hoping we get to hop in The Pool soon!  I will do a much better job of updating my blog in the future to keep everyone updated on our journey to our new son or daughter (or both–how awesome would that be?)

www.borrowedgenes.com

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Taking a New Road to the Same Destination

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There are times in all our lives when we receive a message from God, or the Universe, or wherever you feel your life altering messages come from.  They do not happen often; if I had to compare it to the proverbial “lightbulb” moment, I would say the kind of message I’m talking about is more like someone throwing the flood lights at a baseball stadium after you have been sitting in total darkness.  I received such a message, and the gist of it was this: my body has been through enough, and it is time to let it be still in regards to trying to force it to become pregnant when it obviously does not want to be.  The second part of the message is that the baby my husband and I will add to our family is out there somewhere, probably in utero, and that we will find the baby we are meant to have through adoption.

When I decided to follow the signs and leave the egg donor ivf cycle behind, I felt very free and encouraged in a way that I had not felt for a long time.  Mostly I felt like I was going to regain control of my body and not constantly be in a cycle, preparing for a cycle, or recovering from a cycle.  My three year old son was conceived via IVF and I would not change that for the world.  But I have also experience three more cycles since them, two miscarriages and one that did not take at all.  With donor IVF, we were still running a risk.  If it did not take, that money was gone, and like most folks we do not have an endless supply.  With adoption, eventually we will adopt.  It may take 6 months, or a year, but the money invested in the domestic infant adoption process will result in us adopting and coming home with a new son or daughter.  It is not without it’s risks and heartbreaks but it feels absolutely right for us.

The tone of my blog is now going to focus more on our adoption journey since that is where we are in our lives at this moment.  I also hope to add some “Great Moments in Mom History” as well as thoughts and reflections from my IVF days. I would appreciate hearing from anyone who has made a similar decision in their life, and what motivated them to transition from IF treatments to adoption.