Excited? It’s Complicated.

Tomorrow marks two weeks since we learned we had been chosen to adopt.  The time since we heard those blessed words has been marked with enormous excitement tinged with guarded enthusiasm.  As with any adoption, there is always the possibility that the expectant mother may decide she wants to parent after all, after giving birth to the baby.  Although we have been told she is very committed to her adoption plan, I still have reserved a big ol’ chunk of my heart just in case. I will let it out of heart jail after she has made her decision and signed the papers.  The old me would have been shouting the news from the rooftops and moving forward emotionally sans hesitation, but experience has taught me to proceed with caution. I wish that wasn’t the way it was, but it is only temporary. Once I am free to rejoice, I plan to do so unabashedly!

We get to meet the expectant parents this week!  I am looking forward to the moment I get to meet them, but I am petrified with fear as well.  It will definitely be something to see this brave woman pregnant with the baby we have prayed for since we started infertility journey part deux.  Back then I could not have imagined that my first encounter with my future child would take place just a few short weeks before they were due to enter the world, growing comfortably in another woman’s body. I would not ever have considered that a negative, I just don’t think I would have thought of it at all. The fact that this is where we have circled around to now feels very natural and exactly the way it was meant to be.

Nonetheless, when you ask me if I’m excited, don’t do a double take and grimace when I hesitate before finally saying, “I think so.” I realize that is a strange answer, but on the other hand, it’s an honest answer, and I am nothing if not honest.



Good Things Are Happening!

The wheels are moving!

Yesterday, the hubs and I received an email of an expectant mother profile! What that means is that our agency is working with a young lady who has decided to make the courageous decision to find a family for her baby, and her preferences and our preferences overlapped so we asked to be presented to her! She has received our adoption portfolio, along with several others, and will make a decision by the end of the week. I do not know how many other couples asked to be presented, nor how many she was interested in looking at, but we were among them. Our agency is pretty small and they have about 8 “paper ready” couples, including us; although there are not many adoption situations that come along, when they do, the ratio of waiting parents is narrow enough that we feel like we at least have a chance of being chosen.

This is very big for us, although to be completely honest we do not allow ourselves to fully experience emotions of excitement or anticipation at this stage. It is just one of those things where we sort of perk up with optimism, but don’t let it overwhelm us, because we still need to wear our “heart armor.” It’s sort of like running a computer in safe mode!

I won’t reveal many details about the adoption situation here, out of respect for the expectant parents. If she does choose us, I can reveal more details at that time, with her permission.

For every family that is overjoyed and elated about the addition of a long-prayed for, much desired baby, there is always a mother, and sometimes a father, that is grieving the greatest loss of their lives. So, while we certainly appreciate, and in fact, solicit, your prayers and positive energy, consider doing the same for this amazing woman who could easily have chosen to terminate the pregnancy and go on with her life. Instead, she chose to carry the pregnancy, all the while knowing that the family that would be blessed by this baby, wasn’t her own.  I know I sure haven’t done anything that selfless lately, or ever.

I will update this post with the news of if we were chosen, or not, as soon as we hear about it. I have been committed to transparency all along on this site, and that means sharing the good and the bad. Sharing the bad sucks, it is true. Oh so true. But it is part of the process, and all of the process matters.

Wish us luck, cross your fingers and toes, channel that energy, or shoot up some prayers!


Fact: It Will Be Worth the Wait, I Have Proof!

A few weeks ago, I received an email about an adoption situation in Georgia.  The mother had seen our adoption profile via Facebook, of all things, and we happened to be on an old email listserv of the lawyer she was working with.  The lawyer was to the point: baby boy, born three days ago, mother is choosing to make an adoption plan rather than have the baby removed by Family Services to disappear into the foster system.  Were we interested?

Of course we were interested!  In my “adoption situation presentation” fantasies, interest is always enough. So it definitely a swift kick to the ovaries when I immediately realized that interest alone was not going to cut the mustard in this scenario.  There were a ridiculous amount of circumstances that made this situation impossible for us: paying new and unrelated adoption fees* for the baby boy in Georgia, when we have already invested our adoption nest egg into our adoption agency here.   Ten days would need to be spent in the state of Georgia as we waited for papers to be processed that would allow us to bring the baby across state lines back to Oregon.  Two plane tickets would need to be purchased on zero days notice, as well as ten days of lodging.  We have a little boy who would wonder where in the hell his always-present parents, who have never been separated from him for more than one day, had gone away to, and why he was left behind; we also did not have family lined up to care for him for ten days on five seconds notice.  The hubs is currently grinding his way through the absolute busiest time of work in his field, and leaving with no notice was going to leave a lot of people and circumstances in the lurch.  We had absolutely nothing going for us in this situation except interest, and our interest was not a magic wand that was going to turn the impossible into the possible.

*Adoption fees and expenses: Been car shopping lately? Think of the MSRP on your favorite SUV…and now you know why it would be quite the hat trick to come up with that twice! 

Adoption is an extremely competitive industry, despite the non-profit status many agencies hold; as a general rule, agencies don’t work in cooperation with other agencies, because it isn’t financially beneficial to do so. In other words, my agency and the lawyer were not going to join forces to make our dreams come true. Fair enough.

It was hard to decline the situation, but it was the only option at our disposal to make. Is it still considered an option if there is only one to pick from?

Something I know to be true about myself: I do not handle situations with one “option” well.  I would say that is probably true for the majority of us, nothing special about that. For me personally, the concept of being without choice or power harkens back to our long infertility battle, and later on, our miscarriages. Grief with which I have long since addressed and healed, but which is brought bobbing to the surface again by that nasty common denominator: powerlessness. The ultimate place to find oneself robbed of choice, and even in the strongest of us, hope.

It was poor timing that four days after declining the situation, I was then felled like a giant oak tree by old school influenza, the kind you get a shot for, but then the shot doesn’t work because the virus is tricky and outsmarted the scientists this year. Plenty of time for me to lay in bed and analyze, analyze, analyze, which is both my best characteristic and my worst.

It’s hard to see the forest for the trees when you haven’t showered in five days. I think that is probably an undeniable truth for anyone, unless you are in an actual forest and the reason you haven’t showered for five days is because you went out there to see the trees.

And, for all those on an infertility journey or an adoption wait, I leave you with this groundbreaking realization: it really is true that the greatest joys in life are worth the wait. We waited over three years for our little man to grace us with his presence. I came up with that obvious little factoid after my cathartic ugly cry two days ago, and it made me feel so much better I wrote it down and taped it somewhere I can be reminded whenever I need a pick me up.