Author Archives: Holly Terpening

Adoption 101: The Post I Wish Had Been Written By Someone Else Four Months Ago

Posted in The Adoption Waiting Game by

IT BEGINS! The hubs and I have been shown our first birth mother profile, and we gave permission for our agency to share our portfolio with the expectant mother. Although this young lady will be shown a number of profiles, and it is unlikely that we will be chosen the very first time around, it feels good to finally be in this place where someone could choose us if they so desired. The idea that we could be bringing home a baby sooner rather than later makes my heart pitter-patter just to think of it.

Many people have asked me how adoption works these days, specifically open adoption. It is a concept unfamiliar to most people, unless you have gone through the process or love someone who has. WE HAD NO IDEA WHERE TO BEGIN OR WHAT WE WERE DOING.  Also, no one could really explain it particularly well.  I guess that is because there are so many variables and no two cases are the same.  Four months later, we have gained a wealth of knowledge that I hope will be helpful to others in the same boat.

Firstly, there is no such thing as a closed adoption anymore, unless the birth mother specifically requests it. All adoptions throughout the country are open, and “open adoption” spans a very wide continuum. For example, at it’s most minimal, the birth mother and the adoptive couple will know each other’s full names. At maximum, the birth mother may insist on a certain number of visits per year, as well as monthly photos and letters. As an adoptive parent, one must choose what they are comfortable with and stick to it. The arrangement you decide on with the birth mother is written into the contract.  In other words, you cannot agree to three visits a year and then just disappear.  The only provision is if it’s in the best interest of the child not to see birth mom because she is not a safe person to be around at that time.  As the parents, we of course get to make that call.

Oregon is a very adoption friendly state, both for expectant mothers and adoptive parents. During their pregnancy, expectant mothers are offered a great deal of counseling to make sure they understand the full commitment of what they are planning. Other options are discussed with the birth mom if she decides during her pregnancy she just can’t go through with an adoption, such as what types of public assistance might help her afford to parent, or other resources like counseling or rehab if those are needed.  All of the options available to a woman with an unexpected pregnancy are discussed well ahead of time. On the other hand, consent to adopt papers are signed the day the baby is born. Immediately after those papers are signed, the mother signs another paper revoking her right to contest the papers she just signed. This means that the adoptive parents can take their new baby home without fear that the birth mother will change her mind and take the baby back. In many states, there is a 30-day waiting period, even after papers have been signed, where the baby can be reclaimed and the return is automatic.

When we were researching adoption agencies to join, we came close to signing up with one that works with adoptive mothers from every state. We requested that we only be shown to expectant mothers from certain states so we wouldn’t have to experience a full thirty days of incomprehensible fear that our newly adopted baby might be reclaimed. They were unwilling to do that for us, and so we signed on with our next choice, a local agency that only places infants in Oregon and Washington. Washington has excellent adoption laws too, similar to Oregon. The nationwide agency was unable to understand why we couldn’t just have enough “faith” that it would work out. (I am a gigantic fan of people busting out the “faith card” in order to try to manipulate me into seeing things their way).  The final straw for us was probably when the adoption coordinator from the national agency told us, “I suggest you just reserve the majority of your heart for the first month. Try not to bond too much with the baby, and think of yourselves more or less as caregivers.”

Psycho.  Psycho psycho psycho!  What kind of person says that?  Don’t bond with the baby?  Should we refer to he/she as “it” and avoid eye contact at all costs, too?  Please.  I’m so grateful the hubs and I were on speakerphone with that lady rather than Skype when she decided to drop that little nugget of wisdom on us.  We were able to look at one another and gesticulate wildly at the phone while mouthing “WTH?” back and forth at each other.  If you are considering adoption and want to know the name of that agency so they can avoid it, definitely message me on the BG facebook page and I will gladly share.

But I digress. Back to the process.  After a couple has miraculously survived the lengthy and emotionally draining process of becoming “home study approved,” each birth mother that turns to our adoption agency for assistance cites her preferences for an adoptive family.  For example, maybe it is important to them that the couple is a specific religion, or even a certain race.  If we meet those preferences, the agency emails us a detailed profile of the birth mother and asks us if we would like to be presented. After the birth mother has decided on a family by sorting through profiles, a meeting is set up and she will then decide if she wants to place her baby with you. It’s that simple! Ha! Ha ha ha! There is nothing simple about adoption! Nothing!  But much like any road that leads to parenthood, it is worth it 1000 times over.

The hubs and I are feeling optimistic and relieved to be in the place we are now regarding the journey.  I will keep you posted!

A Most Unexpected Case of Adoption Nesting

Posted in On Motherhood, The Adoption Waiting Game by

There is a room in our house that has become sort of a catch-all.  Most people have one, or at least a counter or a closet where everything goes that you don’t want to deal with at the moment.  Sound familiar?  In our case, this room is the place that is going to become the nursery for our baby.

The hubs and I discussed what to do about the nursery a while back.  We thought the best course of action was to wait until an expectant mother chose us, or possibly even wait until we brought the baby home.  That way we would know whether to decorate for a boy or a girl.  We would also avoid the heartbreaking situation of having to come home to a fully operational, decorated nursery if the mother changed her mind in the hospital after the birth of the baby.  A sound, logical plan decided upon by two extremely practical people.

Practicality, logic, thorough analysis of every possibly scenario–the hubs and I are a nonstop party!  Whoop whoop!

About a week ago I started feeling this strange tickle in my subconscious.  That room was calling out to me.  I ignored it briefly because I certainly have plenty of other tasks awaiting completion that occupy a higher priority level at the moment. But then, I realized what the tickle was…nesting.  I recognized it from the final weeks of my pregnancy with E.  Our little man selfishly decided to be born at 37 weeks, so I missed out on the really good nesting window that starts right around week 39, and increases in both fervor and insanity until the baby is born.

Baby E, who thought it was more important to arrive early than to allow his mother proper nesting time. I got back at him by having no idea how to properly put on a diaper.

Baby E, who thought it was more important to arrive early than to allow his mother proper nesting time. I got back at him by having no idea how to properly put on a diaper.

I did not get to experience this myself, but I have a good friend who did.  I witnessed the madness that is week 41; my extremely pregnant friend, who had already cleaned all there was to be possibly be cleaned, finally resorted to polishing tile grout on her bathroom floor using only a Q-tip moistened with water.

I figured nesting went hand in hand with pregnancy hormones, especially late pregnancy hormones, but I figured wrong because I have the fever.  I had the hubs carry the heavy stuff out of the future nursery to the attic.  I sorted out what was left and parceled it out into piles of what I still needed and what was bound for Goodwill.  Once I was left with only an empty room, I actually scrubbed the baseboards.  I crawled on my hands and knees brandishing a sponge and a bucket of vinegar solution and scurried around the entire perimeter of the room scrubbing baseboards.  This is pretty big time for someone who generally cannot be bothered to pick her wet towels up off the bathroom floor.

Now I have a pristine, empty bedroom just waiting to be nested.  It mocks me every time I walk by.  I think I hear it say, “The sooner you decorate and organize me, the sooner your baby will be here.”  Well, the logic is sound, and no one appreciates sound logic more than me.

If you enjoy www.borrowedgenes.com, please like my page on Facebook and feel free to share.

Sitting, Wishing, Waiting…

Posted in The Adoption Waiting Game by

Adoption process updates! We have now mercifully exited the purgatory of Paper Chasin’ and are entering the vast galaxy of Hurry Up and Wait! Some notable updates:

⇒Our background checks finally made it to the top of the heap, and we received our clearances (huzzah!)
⇒Our portfolio (The Adoption Atlas) and the accompanying “Dear Expectant Parent” letter were both approved and have been sent off to print
⇒We have had both of our required social worker visits for our home study and they were ah-may-zing

…which means…which means…
We have reached THE POOL!

The hubs and I are pleased as punch that we made it through the last three months alive and now we can legitimately begin to hope and pray for the sweet baby who will join our family. As far as when that will be, guess away. 

Our home study was the best part of this whole process so far. Well, the visit from the social worker at least. It was the very last step to be pool ready. Our SW is named Connie, and we love her. She listened. She asked incredibly personal questions in a way that put us at ease. She did not look at my counters for dust, or ransack our home looking for drugs. There are all sorts of stories out there about the day the social worker visits, and most of them filled us with terror. Was she going to judge how clean our bathrooms were? Was she going to ask why our son was chewing on a monster truck? Nope! She really just wanted to know the kind of people we are, and understand our motivation for adopting. She made the scariest experience easy as pie. Thank you Connie!

We have learned a bit more about what to expect from here on out in terms of how “desirable” we are as a family.  The expectant birth mother chooses the family, not the other way around (which seems like common sense to me.) We learned that families in Oregon are generally chosen very quickly (about six months on average) because of the excellent adoption laws in our state that benefit both the birth mother and the adoptive parents. We know we fortunately have a lot of characteristics that birth parents seek out, such as financial stability, home ownership, a strong marriage, that sort of thing. We also know that we have one pretty major characteristic that many birth mothers consider to be a deal breaker…and he’s three years old!

It is true, I’m afraid. A couple with a child may have a longer wait because some birth mothers worry that their baby won’t get as much time and attention as he/she would from a childless couple. If the existing child is a biological kiddo, that can present an even bigger problem, because the birth mother might worry the couple could never love an adopted child as much as a biological child. While I know for a fact in my mama heart that could never be true, I have great respect for the birth mother and the impossible decision she has made. It is so important to me that she be at peace with her decision.  The hubs and I are oh-so- ready to welcome our new son or daughter to our family, but we are always mindful of this one thing: at the very minute we are experiencing one of the most blessed moments of our lives, another woman is experiencing the worst moment of hers. I think that if we were adopting without already being parents, I would likely not have the empathy to respect this sacrifice in the manner it deserves.  Since I am already a mother, I am filled with awe at the strength and courage a woman must have to choose adoption for her baby. It means she loves that baby so much that she has decided to find him/her a family that can provide them with what she cannot at that time. Can you imagine anything more selfless? It’s just another humbling realization of the full magnitude of what it means to adopt.  It’s just kinda awesome.

www.borrowedgenes.com

Troll Be-Gone

Posted in Random Weirdness by

Updating this blog is something that brings me joy.  It’s therapeutic, and it really makes me feel like my readers are on the journey with me, and that somehow I’m not shouldering the weight alone.  So believe me when I tell you that no one is more surprised that me that I allowed an anonymous troll meanie to scare me away from my own blog for three weeks because of the unkind words that he/she posted to my page (since deleted).  I won’t bore you with all the details, but someone from the blogosphere, who I have never met nor heard of, reached out to me to let me know that they felt that sharing the personal moments of my life was proof I was an “attention whore” and that they actually doubted that half of what I was saying was true.  This was especially painful because it was right after I published a piece from the heart, a blog post called “Where I Stood” that was deeply meaningful to me.

I mulled that over for a while, wondering why someone would go out of their way to reach out for the purpose of calling me names and doubting my authenticity.  I truly thought hard about it for a while, until I realized something: their motives matter not.  They hurt my feelers and knocked me off my path for a little while, but I eventually came back around to MY motives: the intentional decision to be very open and honest about my experiences growing our family, for the express purpose of ENCOURAGING others.  The Hubs and I keep a pretty upbeat outlook on life despite the fact that we have to try so much harder than the average bear to add children to our family.  Between our optimism, and all we have been through, I have developed the desire to encourage others to stay in the game and not give up on their dream of being a parent, no matter the method.  I can’t believe I let some faceless internet troll who probably lives in their parent’s basement deter me from my mission, even if it was just for three weeks.  That’s just embarrassing, and I should be better than that.

Have you ever let someone get to you over something they are completely unqualified to judge you for?  How long did it take for you to realize you were giving them way more power than they deserved? I’m glad it only took me three weeks to bounce back.  It’s so uncharacteristic of me to even give a single second to something like that, but the idea that my good intentions were being viewed as “attention whore-ness” was really a sucker punch.  So here’s to keeping the internet trolls where they belong, in the dark recesses of cyber space, powerless and alone as God intended.

Hang on for adoption updates, I’ve got a whole bunch of them!

www.borrowedgenes.com

Adoption Atlas, In the Bag

Posted in Adoption Paperchasin' by

I made a portfolio.  I thought it was great.

But THEN, I went online and started cruising OTHER potential adoptive parents’ portfolios and realized that mine was, in fact, not great.  It was average, at best.

This could not stand.  So, beginning Christmas Day, after all the festivities had wrapped up, I told The Hubs he needed to prepare himself to hold down the fort solo for the next few days.  I was doing this thing again, only this time I was bringing my “A” game.  I left him with a to do list and a dazed expression on his face as I disappeared into my office.  As I closed the door I think I heard him say, “Wait, I thought you already…”  His confusion was understandable, but the past was the past and there was no time to explain that we were not entering The Pool with a mediocre portfolio.

The portfolio is not a portfolio.  It is a gigantic book, generally created using software such as Mixbook or Shutterfly, where you need to encompass the whole of your lives, via photos, to be presented to potential birth mothers.  In our case, the challenge was making sure E was represented, but was not the focus of the book.  This was kind of hard, since he is the center of our lives and there are virtually no pictures from the past three years that do not have him in them.  I think this says something about us as parents, though.  We are good parents!  We take our son on vacations and to local activities and to have new experiences and we do everything together as a family.  When, God willing, we add another precious being to the family, they will take their place next to E as the centers of our world, our equally loved and adored children.  If there is one thing we have learned from loving E and being his parents, it is that the love we have for him is not based in our genetic connection.  That could not possibly be less of the reason that we love, adore, and cherish him.  That is why I can say with complete confidence that when we are chosen to adopt a baby, that baby will be loved beyond what could even be described through words.

Sorry about the tangent.  I’ve been trying to find the right words to put into our “Expectant Mother” letter, and those may have been some of them.  But back to the portfolio.  From Thursday night until Tuesday night I spent 53 hours creating our adoption portfolio/giant book.  Most of Saturday was spent celebrating a late Christmas with my brother’s family, so only about four of the hours fell on that day.  Otherwise, I have been here, in my office, creating a glorious portfolio that I believe accurately represents my family in a way that is both realistic and positive.  I edited each of the 132 photos I included to have the highest resolution so they do not appear pixelated in print.  I chose color themes for each page spread based on the “vibe” of the photos and the clothes we are wearing in them.  I followed a checklist that I made for myself to make sure that every important event and person in our lives was properly represented.  I included anecdotal captions that leave no doubt how goofy this family can be, which is a very high level of goofy. Most importantly, I contacted a number of family members and begged them to search their photos for any that might have ME in them, the forgotten one that is not in any of her own family photos because she is always the photographer.  (Take note, Hubs.  The winds are changing.)

I submitted the adoption atlas last night at 7:30.  My adoption coordinator at the agency has to approve it before I can order up copies.  Consequently, I’ve been checking my email every fifteen minutes to see if she has responded yet.  Hold on, I will check again.  Nope, no reply.  Yes, I realize it is unrealistic to expect a person to review an entire dictionary of information and then to also respond to me with feedback in 17 hours, when the time frame we are dealing with is 7:30 PM-12:30 PM.  I KNOW.

And yet, you can bet the farm I will still be checking every fifteen…ten minutes, until I hear from her. I can hear The Pool calling, and it wants my Atlas!

Where I Stood

Posted in IVF Posts by

This post originally appeared on www.carameredith.com on December 30, 2014.   I was honored to be featured on Cara’s page.   ***Warning: this post deals with pregnancy loss.  I walked the Green Mile two days before Christmas last year, 2013. My Green Mile did not have Tom Hanks or any magical theme woven throughout it. If it had, I imagine everything would have turned out differently. Moments before, I had been in the exam room with my husband. He was lovingly holding my hand and I was uncomfortably lying on the table as an extremely nice technician moved a very cold ultrasound around on my uterus. She made small talk as she searched, before finally saying, “I think it’s just too early to see them with this type of ultrasound. I’m going to have you go empty your bladder, and when you return we will try the other kind.”  Continue reading…